Our eyes would meet and our souls would communicate immediately. The conversations would draw us closer to one another. Closer to my heart and his. Love would look like a never ending connection. No need to ask for respect, loyalty or communication.
All of it would have a natural flow. Like a river, a steady consistent pace of give and take. Always feeling a sense of joy, an instant smile because we feel so comfortable and safe with each other. Filled with Laughter because we know it makes us feel soooo good.
No sense of time and place because regardless we feel as though the world has paused for our love. Because our love is like a slow cooking comfort meal, warm and healthy and delicious making us want more and more.
A bond that last till the sun sets on our last breathe…
till then that’s what I IMAGINED love would look like.
Two weeks ago my biggest concern was getting accepted into a Grant Funded Data Analytics Certified Course.
I kept thinking to myself “damn over 300 people applied for this course! Who the fuck do I think I am to get choosen to be 1 out of 50 accepted into this certified program.” And on 3/11/2020 I got that email that said ‘Congratulations’, I was ecstatic. Over the moon happy. I had several conversations in my head that went like this “Regine, God said be anxious about NOTHING”, “Regine, if it’s not for you don’t be mad, don’t be sad, just carry on and keep searching for your niche” and “There’s nothing left for you in NYC, let’s move” in my head I can really be my greatest supporter. Now look at me, prayer answered, anxiety lifted, blessings coming my way. Life is good. Plus I’d save $4k on course expenses that my job would not reimburse me.
But today, I’m facing a monster problem that I couldn’t imagine I’d face in a million years. But because I’m so ashamed of this I won’t go into detail. Yet, I’ll share the conversation I had with myself.
The conversation with myself went like this: “Where did I go wrong? Just when I thought I was in God’s golden grace, I feel smacked down into a muddy filth of doubt, anguish, unworthiness and anxiety. The problem now is that I will doubt myself time after time again, even though all the facts are shown as me doing my best in life. Hell, maybe I’m a people pleaser, I let people run their mouth as they cut me off when I haven’t merely completed my sentence/thought. What’s even worse, I put the needs of others before my own and I wonder why I’m not truly happy.” That’s the hard conversation I have with myself. Talk about being hard on yourself right!?
Truth is I’ll face this monster and it will not win, I’ll have thicker skin all because of the experience. God has a very interesting way of showing me where my life needs to be, who I need in my life and who I need to distance myself from now. Each time I go against God’s wishes I learn a new lesson. It’s as if I like taking the longer harder route of life. There is a war happening and I have no choice but to walk by faith and not by sight.
Over the last 10 years, I’ve always had moments where I was unsure of where my life was headed. I would re-evaluate where I am in life, who is in my life as far as how I impact their life as well as my own. Also asking myself, are the choices that I am making the best choices for me or the best for others or the best for the world. Always thinking, continually evaluating, and call it whatever you’d like Mercury Retrograde, Shifting, or naturally Growth.
We meet these moments in our lives where we question our existence and purpose. Then we get nervous, anxious, confused that we’re not taking the right steps towards a “fulfilled” life. I think we forgot that life is not about the final destination instead life should be more focused on the journey. There would be no stories without a journey, no award without a challenge and there is no happiness without the knowledge of pain. There are no risk without rewards and no growth without change. And this will make you feel unhappy or excited based on what you’ve been conditioned to believe all your life.
Regardless, life is happening right now at this very moment as you read article; someone is crying, someone is laughing, a child is being born, a loved one has passed, the glaciers are possibly melting, the sun is bright and sunny in a rainforest, or it’s pouring rain on a small portion of an island at the moment. Change is part of evolution. Actions will always occur whether we like them or not. Today we may dislike our President, next year we may have an entirely different President, and still many will dislike him/her. What goes on in the world is supposed to happen, we will protest, debate, create new leaders, follow media, and still, we’ll say “these are terrible times” then carry on with our lives.
Today is our vision; it’s what we see and act on, tomorrow is not yet real, but it’s alive because it is a thought and for some a belief. We grow, and nothing ever stays the same, and we have these moments that remind us that ‘hey I’m human, I’m not perfect, just human.’ I’m just sharing because I’m overthinking many things, and I know it is a part of life because I’m Human, and I’m growing. Growth is life.
I’m in this journey with all you 20, 30, 40 something’ year olds. Living vertically!
The Notorious B.I.G said it best…
“If the game shakes me or breaks me I hope it makes me a better man Take a better stand”
I’m sure it’s burnout, or whatever new phrase Doctors and Scientists or Influencers have come up with today. Making choices doesn’t always come easy to me; writing is not my go-to for therapy and release. I work, and I work hard not because anyone tells me to, but because that is the sort of work ethic I have. I’ll be honest, I wish I worked this hard in college, but then again I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed my years in college. See, I had to make a quick decision for the sake of family that conditioned me to set my dreams aside and follow a “realistic” future. Don’t believe that bull shit; your ideas and dreams are real, especially if you have a gift or a drive to pursue your purpose.
Never forget these 5 things in your life.
Be proud of who you are, be proud of your quirky thoughts and habits, and style.
Please do not compare yourself to anyone, not even your idols; they too had a tough time coming into themselves.
Yes, you love being alone, shopping alone, eating alone, exploring the city alone. However, invite others in to get to know you.
Ask for help.
Take your mental health seriously, you’re bigger than your small thoughts.
Adulthood is not what you think, take advantage of your youth. Stop being so hard on yourself. You already know you’re a very responsible young woman. You’ll become a dope adult. Life will get tough, and life will be fast, this is life for everyone.
Haters are EVERYWHERE… Naysayers exist everywhere; in your family, in your circle of friends, in your school, a workplace they’re everywhere. But when one person has that belief in you (and that one person can be you), that’s enough. Don’t seek validation; it’s temporary. Don’t give up, but learn when to rest.
Fall in love as many times as you want. Be vulnerable in relationships. Yet, be very, very, very smart, and keep your standards high. Stay one step ahead of him and trust your gut instinct.
And be proud of yourself for the small achievements, celebrate those small wins. Don’t be afraid to review where you were a year ago, better yet reflect on how much you’ve grown. Oh, and before I forget, stop being a fucking perfectionist.