Finding Closure after a breakup.

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary

Closure

: an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality. : victims needing closure; also: something (such as a satisfying ending) that provides such a sense.


I recently saw Tyler Perry’s movie Acrimony, starring Taraji P. Henson and I was scared. I was scared because there were so many scenes in that movie that reminded me of myself when I was hurt by someone that I loved. Especially the scene where Melinda (played by Taraji) knew her man was lying to her when he said he was busy, she felt it in her gut, that woman’s instinct. That instinct is so strong, it’s like being forced to swallow a pill of disgust.

Ladies and gentlemen, when I had that gut instinct I was so full of rage and confusion, but my gut instinct was RIGHT. It was right every single time. It was so right I was sick, lost weight, lost an appetite and I lost peace of mind. And when you lose peace of mind you begin to lose yourself. My thoughts weren’t to only hurt him, I wanted to hurt all the girls and not the typical “smack a b*t*h shit”, sorry I won’t say what crazy thoughts I had because they were so bad I still pray for forgiveness for those thoughts.

Pain and regret made me stay 4 more years in that relationship. I said to myself this was love, learning to ‘forgive and forget’. Lies, I was told lies and I told myself lies and believed them too. If you can’t see where this is going I’ll explain even further. The comfort of being with someone that is your best friend, your lover, your second hand is too much weight to be given to a person that has hurt and betrayed your trust. Yet I needed to recover, I needed to move forward without bitterness and anger and rage. That’s when I became numb.

Being numb is the worst feeling when being in any relationship. It’s like someone attached strings to your emotions and now they have control because your emotions have powered down. Your love has now been struck by a virus with little to no return. You know being a woman in love is hard when you feel lonely in a long-term relationship.

Taking control of your life is your responsibility though. No man or woman owes you closure after being hurt. I got closure on my own. No matter how many times I received an apology, today I found closure on my own. It was so hard at first. I sought revenge and I was still unhappy. I choose to go on a break and I was even more unhappy. I was humiliated again and I just let the tears of pain just roll down my eyes waiting for that moment of closure to just pop up. But it never did. I found closure when I accepted my choices and did everything on my own. Granted I have the most amazing friends and I can always rely on them to listen to me vent. But as an adult, there are many things you’ve got to do on your own without leaning on anyone for help. Love will find it’s way back into your life, but it won’t be like the first time you fell in love so don’t expect the same feelings. I’m so happy I’ve found comfort in myself again and I respect my ex’s new relationship because I’m not small minded. So if you are looking for closure from someone, you’ll be looking forever and you’ll only be disappointed in yourself.

Be Good to yourself always,

Original Good Girl

I’ve Been Rejected

So I started dating a couple of months ago after leaving a long-term relationship and I’ve come to a few conclusions.

  1. Women get rejected too.
  2. I’m not who I used to be, I have a new vision of what love is.
  3. If it’s too good to be true then it is.

Well here’s what happened, I got rejected!

I had never been rejected until last year. I met a handsome young guy that I approached (*kudos to me for taking that step*) and as we texted for a few days I noticed the messages were coming in hours later or a whole day later. And so my last attempt was to try to meet up for a drink. When I got the “I don’t drink text” I knew I was being rejected. What I learned from this experience though is that not everyone is interested in me. Now I know how it feels, Karma is a B***H for real.

Dating will force you to sharpen all your senses if your dating for a purpose of course. You will analyze the guys that are attracted to you, what your doing to attract those guys and how to change if you want to change. Dating is the pre-requisite to a long-term relationship in my view. I realized while dating and meeting new guys that I’m not attracted to the same things I used to like. In fact, I’m glad I’ve evolved because I certainly wouldn’t want a repeat of my last relationship. I’m using a new perspective and I know I’m not who I used to be.

Lust never lasts. Lust is dangerous, it’s a temporary feeling when you meet someone for the very first time and you both have so much in common. It’s a new sense of desire when you think you’ve met that one person that’s been your missing puzzle piece in your life. But the truth is if your missing something in your life you will never find it in your partner. You need to be whole and happy with yourself before you fall for someone that may not be the right partner for you.

However, your journey in dating may turnout always remember to be good to yourself.

Good Vibes Only,

Original Good Girl

Cookie Cut Love: Do you show the same emotions to everyone you date?

Disclaimer: This is based on personal experiences and opinion.

We all know a cookie cutter is made to mold undefined dough into a defined cookie dough shape that we would like. And then we would create several cookies using the same exact mold. Maybe it’s because that’s how we like our cookies or that’s what we assume all the cookies of the same dough should look like. Picture our emotions as a tool that has one shape, let’s say a star. Use that star shaped tool on every single person you date. Those emotions are imprinted in that relationship. Now you’ve shaped a star in every relationship you’ve been in and you still don’t understand why the outcome of your relationship with each partner is not what you may like.

So why are we showing the same emotions to each person we date if we don’t seem to be successful with our goal to be with one partner for the rest of our lives. Or better yet why are we dating with the same emotions and seeing a repetition of the same outcomes in different relationships?

So let’s dissect emotions for a bit, according to Paul Thagard Ph.D., article in PsychologyToday ‘emotions are judgments about the extent that the current situation meets your goals’. This may take a twist here, For a long time in my long term relationships I’d been very nonchalant and quiet when my partner made me upset rather than express myself and later blow up in a rage. Ofcourse my partner hated that, but that’s just how I’ve been for so long. Never thought it was something I needed to change until I began to realize that I may need to evaluate the way I show my emotions. My goal has always been to be transparent and show my partner that I care and wanted a long lasting relationship. But that’s the tool I’ve showed all my partners. So I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever I’m doing may need to change a bit. That cookie cut mold is not effective for me, however it may work for some. And if you prefer showing that same form of emotion to each partner then that’s your preference. But as for myself, I believe change is necessary for a successful goal to be reached. If we can accept change in our workplace to grow and learn new skills. We could change how we express some of the same emotions that could be hindering us from being in a long lasting relationship. I rather make a change than never change and regret it later.

A Guys Favorite Excuse

“ALL MEN CHEAT” – Worse Excuse Ever –

I’ve heard all kinds of excuses in my exclusive relationships. But the number one excuse all guys use is “All men cheat,” “women are better at cheating than men,” “I don’t have any feelings for those girls, I was just angry at you” so ridiculous the excuses we come up with when we get caught.

The one I hate the most is, ”All Men Cheat.”

Why is that an excuse for men to cheat? I’d like to believe all men don’t cheat. But that term has become a crutch for many men. In most scenarios when a man does cheat he apologizes, then you as a woman or man (no discrimination here) accept the “all men cheat” mantra in our society.

There was a period in my life when I accepted that line too. Then after conditioning myself to believe that excuse I became numb to it. And later I cheated. I felt horrible about it and made excuses to justify my actions. I was no better than my partner using excuses. Excuses will shape your character. Whether you’re giving your exclusive partner excuses or your friends excuses you’re not being true to yourself and others. You owe it to yourself to build good relationships and have strong friendships, don’t let excuses be apart of your character. Excuses are poison and create a reason to question someone’s trust.

Excuses are for people who don’t want it bad enough. -Anonymous

Disclaimer: This is based on my opinion and experiences only.

Xoxo,

Original Good Girl

To Break or Not to Break? 5 reasons why you could use a break.

How many relationships have you found yourself in and needed to take a step away to gain clarity? Some may say “screw it I don’t want this anymore and let it all go”. Others stay and just deal. We often find that we put ourselves in redundant situations. But the main focus is to just get yourself together, press that pause button, and analyze what you’re in that relationship for today. Taking a break for the right reasons could definitely help. Here are 5 reasons why you could use a break.

5. Your life is not the center of your world anymore. Sometimes we engulf ourselves into our partner that we dive so deep and forget who we are or even how to function doing just basic things on our own. For example, you find it difficult shopping or choosing a nail polish or even what meal you want from the restaurant without your partner. You’ve choosen every little thing with your partner as if you don’t have a mind of your own. No More! Make your own choices and be comfortable with them.

4. He/She is beginning to ignore you or the things that are important to you. When you find yourself constantly repeating yourself to your partner about a topic or having a full blown hour long conversation that he/she doesn’t even remember anymore; it’s DISRESPECTFUL! Listening skills are so very important in a relationship! It’s part of communication!! And Communication is Key!!! Did you hear me, COMMUNICATION IS KEY, Ladies and Gentlemen. Seek out a therapist, I know it seems taboo for some but just one session could help. It can be a therapist just for yourself or for the both of you. All else fails talk to one of your unbiased friends or family member.

3. You’re not feeling loved. Playing a part-time role in a relationship is not fun. Nobody likes second place. You shouldn’t feel like you’re not sure how to plan a date night or a spontaneous time out with your partner just because he/she had plans you knew nothing about. Now don’t be confused with your partner’s career/life goals as his/her top priority because that’s probably what attracted you to your partner in the first place, but you knew that already right. If you and your partner speak on a daily basis or even live together it’s only fair he/she mentions their whereabouts and plans for the day or the weekend. Here’s an awkward situation to run into: Your partner’s mother calls and asks if you know where John* is tonite and you tell her you don’t know. She’s thinking what sorta partner doesn’t know where his/her loved one is, what sorta relationship is this. Now the mother assumes the relationship isn’t serious and may not take you serious either. Talk to your partner about everything even the smallest things, you may feel left out or part-time because your not communicating enough.

2. You’ve accepted all of his/her excuses and hear “it’s not that big of a deal”. Excuses should not be accepted. Your boss wouldn’t accept excessive late excuses so why would you accept them from your partner. You’re both trying to build a strong foundation in your relationship so don’t let cracks broaden until there’s no filler to smooth out the problems.

1. You haven’t let go of his/hers infidelity. For those that want it to work, find clarity in this situation; it’s gonna take forgiveness and mental focus to let go of the pain you feel. Don’t blame yourself and never let your partner blame you for they’re mistake. Infidelity hurts, don’t brainwash yourself into thinking this is your fault. If you’re married ’till death do us part’ seek counseling. If you’re not married but you want to make it work seek counseling and evaluate your goals as a couple. Maybe you both have grown in other directions and now it’s time to part. Relationships are investments. And your worth is gold. Take a break, if the relationship is worth it then you’ll get back together; if you’ve both grown apart, don’t worry you’ll be okay.

Xoxo,

Original Good Girl