It’s 12/08/2018 3:32 AM and I just wanted to share that this year has been the beginning of a breakthrough in my life. Let me emphasize “MY LIFE” no one else!
Earlier in the year, I had high hopes that my life would be better than the year before and after three months I fell back into depression. And I was stuck in that state of mind where I began to lose hope. I was losing hope in my future, in my career, in all my relationships and in my passion for writing and many more hobbies that used to bring joy to me. But I didn’t want to go back down the road of suicidal thoughts; I leaned on God, and it wasn’t easy.
I couldn’t understand the meaning of ‘walking by faith and not by sight.’ I’d go to church, listen to gospel stations and gospel music all day and night yet still I was so lost. I didn’t want to keep going. I didn’t want to listen to the preachers constantly saying “keep faith” I thought it just wasn’t for me.
But I’d been down this road before. So I continued to walk in the faith, NYE came, and I tried to lift myself up, Valentine’s day came, and I celebrated with friends, my birthday came, and I just kept sinking. I was unhappy.
Everyone constantly asking “how are you?” And I’d answer “I’m okay” knowing damn well I was unhappy and wanted to be left alone. But I kept thinking “small steps every day” and “walk by faith and not by sight” those just seemed as words to me rather than truth. And I broke down one morning on my way to work, cried as I got dressed, cried driving into work, and cried at my desk when no one was looking; I had enough.
I decided to stop dating because dating was not what I should’ve been doing. Nothing was changing and I was feeling sick to my stomach. I lost my appetite for days even weeks. Started smoking cigarettes to forget my frustrations and push away the thoughts that constantly drove me crazy. Yet, I kept believing you gotta “walk by faith and not by sight” then I sat in my car thinking why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to be unhappy? I couldn’t answer those questions.
So then my search for a therapist continued (oh FYI, I’d been in search for a therapist since 2017) found nothing until I was placed on a waiting list. I’d said ’fine’ it’s a better answer than “not accepting new patients.” I’d been on that waiting list since April 2018, yet in the meantime, I kept praying, meditating, trying to live my life.
Then slowly a shift occurred, work was no longer as stressful, but I still struggled with my career path. And before you knew it Summer arrived; warm weather always picks me up. Yet this year I didn’t take my selfie trip. Instead, I went out a lot more by myself trying to pull myself together. And I got a big chop, I’d been that long hair natural curly hair girl, till I was just sick of looking at myself in the mirror. So I cut it off. I’m not bald but undoubtedly short enough for barbers to cut my hair on a biweekly basis. I actually loved it. I had expected to hate it at first then I was relieved to see how much I enjoyed looking back at myself.
Hair has always been a part of my “look.” I was afraid I might not have been pretty anymore when I mentally decided to cut my hair, but I was ready to take that chance. Those that know me know I’m certainly more than a pretty face. But many see me and say “you’re beautiful,” and on the outside, I smile and say Thank You gently, but in my head, I say ”I wish you can see more than my beauty.” But now I’m certainly past that thought now. I still love my haircut by the way, and I don’t regret cutting off all that hair.
The amazing perk of cutting my hair has been viewing my life from a new perspective. What I needed to do was go through the pain of growth rather than tiptoe around it. I don’t like the pain, not one bit of it because I find it so hard to explain to others close to me how it feels and they don’t understand. And it made me feel like a complicated math problem that most people dread to solve. But the problem requires a solution, and there’s always a solution. The key is understanding it’s not for others to solve. It’s for me to solve and to share the solution with others to understand so that they can choose to accept me or walk away. And I’m good with that. No hard feelings, no anger, no regrets. This is what life offered me to grow because I wanted to change for myself.
Change offered me an advance on my career recently; small steps have pushed me to forgive myself and the people that hurt me and therapy uncovered the mess I buried only to realize that I’d be totally fine. So when topics about dating, daddy issues, and relationships are brought up again, I can answer them without anxiety and fear. I understand who I’m becoming, and I’ll forever be The Original Good Girl.