Sharing kind words, a smile, or just a thoughtful compliment is love! Love seems so complicated these days. Almost as if it’s a chore or burden these days.
We get into conflicts with friends over misunderstandings, and stop looking for understanding. We don’t pause and consider others Point of View, instead we think without looking from a different perspective. Love is not about pointing fingers, placing blame on others or dusting it all under the rug for it to be hidden. We shouldn’t delight in the wrongs others do, but trust in our relationships should be strong enough to push through to truth. And the truth is we are all imperfect, yet together we become perfect by forgiving and overcoming the wrong doings of others.
Let’s never forget, Love is Kind, Love is patient… repeat till it sinks in!
Adulting is hard as #@*k!
When I gradutated college I wanted a manual of how to get through my 20’s so I bought a few ‘Self Help’ books. Ofcourse my friends laughed. But now as I peak into my 30’s, Adulting is just the way of life, there’s no more summer breaks, no extended Holiday days off from school, no end of term and looking forward to a looong break ahead. This is life!
Adulting has no manual, growing into your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and so on has no manual. You have to create the life you want, save the money you earn (and not only for back to school) for bills, for emergency, for trips, for everyday spending. Everyday is a new challenge, every relationship has new stipulations and every job comes with new demands. We’ve been adulting since we earned our first $1, we just didn’t understand what was next. And that’s Okay. This is life, it’s not so hard if you stop comparing yourself to ‘The Joneses’ or to social media.
“Life is what you make it”
That quote always pops up but what does it even mean. It means YOU DEFINE YOUR LIFE, that’s it. If you rather see your money in the closet than in the bank, that’s the life you want, if it means watching your money grow in stocks and businesses that’s your choice. There is no meme that defines your life, you are the only person that knows as an adult what means the world to you. To me, I see life more grand than any valley or mountain or tree on this earth. Life is simple, it has a beginning, middle and end and although it’s not always easy, it’s the way I get through all those moments. Because then I can reminisce on those times and share my experience with others regardless I’m sharing with my peers, my elders or those younger than me. My life is my story as is yours.
Like Beyonce said “I’m a Grooooown Woman, I can do WHATEVER I want”
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed or professional psychologist or therapist. Please seek professional guidance if you feel like you need to speak to someone.
Having a partner is fantastic, you have someone to create new moments with, share your thoughts with and naturally grow together. And having a healthy mental state of mind is even more amazing and necessary to have. I don’t believe there is a such thing as being “normal” we are all so different that we must understand one another to even come to an agreement of what “normal” looks like. But to continue, You owe it to yourself to be complete, and you have more to offer your partner in your relationship. So here are 5 reasons why it’s utterly essential to have your mental health and relationship to be in check.
1. No One Can Complete Your Void Except You
– Would you prefer an easy $50 gig that requires little work and little knowledge over a $100 gig that would require just a tad bit more training that could draw you into even greater possibilities? I’m guessing you’d go for that $100 gig because you know more is better in the long run. So why would you offer your partner less of yourself?
~ Being in a relationship requires work, and you deserve to be completely honest with yourself when you know your not your best self, you can’t afford to cut corners and sell yourself short of being amazing. Being mentally healthy is not just a perk for your partner but a great gift to yourself. Sometimes we think having a partner will complete our lives. We may have a void in our lives and seeking a partner will never fill that void because only you can fill that void with whatever it is that you feel is missing in your life. Maybe that void is ‘battling self-confidence’ or ‘dealing with a bad break-up.’ Finding the root of the cause of what your void is and filling YOUR void is your responsibility. See a pattern here, this is ‘Yours.’ Don’t go into a new relationship hoping that a partner will complete you or your void. It’s possible to be in a relationship with the perfect person with all their goals accomplished, beautiful/handsome, everything you’ve been looking for in a lifetime partner. But when that “perfect person’ continues to grow and flourish will you grow bitter and resent their wholesomeness just because you haven’t figured out what’s missing in your life? Or will you challenge their worth, making them question if they’re good enough for you? Don’t do either! Be a complete package for yourself and for your relationship. Don’t sell yourself short just because you don’t want to do the work that’s required to be whole. Complete your own void!
2. You’re Carrying Heavy Weight
– Nobody likes someone holding them down; literally. Problems and drama that didn’t come with your relationship should be solved on your own. Your heavyweight belongs to you. No one is responsible for carrying your burdens, troubles, bad habits, and the bad choices that you’ve made. If you’ve got baggage, carry it. If you got terrible habits; change them. We all have heavyweight that we tend to carry around into relationships. And we all know what happens after, our partner gets aggravated, and love is lost. So stop carrying your heavyweight from relationship to relationship. Get rid of that weight, solve those problems you have on your own time and start fresh and light. Your life is just as important as the next relationship you are looking to get into.
– A little discipline in your personal life goes a long way in other areas of your life. Having discipline is an acquired attribute. You’ve gotta be intentional about eating healthy, arriving to work on time, and be committed in a relationship that requires attention, love, care, support, patience, communication, listening, and it all has to be reciprocated. Being lazy and allowing poor manners in a relationship like having the same arguments about the same problems is a start to reflect on where you make it a priority to change and find a different outcome. Discipline is training yourself to correct a problem or molding yourself to become a better human. It’s not just for your partner it’s for you as well. Its self care, for yourself.
Don’t worry this is a process for me as well, I’m still a working progress in need of much self love and care.
So in the meantime be original, it’s not perfect but it’s you!
From your Original Good Girl, till next time!
Word of the week – Enigma: a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling or difficult to understand.
Everyone has been on a positive journey to find their true and best selves. But we should still be careful of those with egnimatic complexes.
Being transparent and vulnerable to friends, family and strangers will never get more comfortable. That’s alright though because what’s required in life doesn’t come easy. I find that often we tend to create a fictitious persona to please our friends, family, co-workers, and strangers. It’s as though being honest and genuine isn’t honored because we fear the consequences of what others will think about us. But it’s much more challenging to keep up with a lie.
A friend shared with me an Instagram post that read “isn’t it weird to think that so many versions of you exist in others minds? Some people see me as a shy girl who doesn’t talk, some see me as an annoying girl who doesn’t shut up, some see me as kind & caring, some see me as cold & mean, some see me as timid, some see me as crazy.” This resonated with me so much because I know I’ve been all those characteristics with people at some point. But there’s a mystery in who I am because I react off of the energy people show me.
So why haven’t I allowed myself to just showed up before others show me? Fear.
Fear of constant judgment and ridicule held me back. And it tormented me for years. It held me back from opportunities and places that I desired.
In 2018 I finally decided to show up and let go of the mystery of who I am. I choose to be vulnerable and honest and loud. Since then the universe has been so good to me. I haven’t decided to show up only for the world but also for myself. Being full on present and stepping out on faith is a choice. And being yourself is more significant than being a puzzle.
Like the amazing Maya Angelou said “when people show you who they are, believe them,” show people who you are because it’ll weed out who’s for you and who isn’t and that’s not always a bad thing. Everyone isn’t for you, but puzzles allow others to create a story for you. Choose who you want to be!
It’s 12/08/2018 3:32 AM and I just wanted to share that this year has been the beginning of a breakthrough in my life. Let me emphasize “MY LIFE” no one else! Earlier in the year, I had high hopes that my life would be better than the year before and after three months I fell back into depression. And I was stuck in that state of mind where I began to lose hope. I was losing hope in my future, in my career, in all my relationships and in my passion for writing and many more hobbies that used to bring joy to me. But I didn’t want to go back down the road of suicidal thoughts; I leaned on God, and it wasn’t easy. I couldn’t understand the meaning of ‘walking by faith and not by sight.’ I’d go to church, listen to gospel stations and gospel music all day and night yet still I was so lost. I didn’t want to keep going. I didn’t want to listen to the preachers constantly saying “keep faith” I thought it just wasn’t for me. But I’d been down this road before. So I continued to walk in the faith, NYE came, and I tried to lift myself up, Valentine’s day came, and I celebrated with friends, my bday came, and I just kept sinking. I was unhappy.
Everyone constantly asking “how are you?” And I’d answer “I’m okay” knowing damn well I was unhappy and wanted to be left alone. But I kept thinking “small steps every day” and “walk by faith and not by sight” those just seemed as words to me rather than truth. And I broke down one morning on my way to work, cried as I got dressed, cried driving into work, and cried at my desk when no one was looking; I had enough. I decided to stop dating because dating was not what I should’ve been doing. Nothing was changing and I was feeling sick to my stomach. I lost my appetite for days even weeks. Started smoking cigarettes to forget my frustrations and push away the thoughts that constantly drove me crazy. Yet, I kept believing you gotta “walk by faith and not by sight” then I sat in my car thinking why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to be unhappy? I couldn’t answer those questions.
So then my search for a therapist continued (oh FYI, I’d been in search for a therapist since 2017) found nothing until I was placed on a waiting list. I’d said ’fine’ it’s a better answer than “not accepting new patients.” I’d been on that waiting list since April 2018, yet in the meantime, I kept praying, meditating, trying to live my life.
Then slowly a shift occurred, work was no longer as stressful, but I still struggled with my career path. And before you knew it Summer arrived; warm weather always picks me up. Yet this year I didn’t take my selfie trip. Instead, I went out a lot more by myself trying to pull myself together. And I got a big chop, I’d been that long hair natural curly hair girl, till I was just sick of looking at myself in the mirror. So I cut it off. I’m not bald but undoubtedly short enough for barbers to cut my hair on a biweekly basis. I actually loved it. I had expected to hate it at first then I was relieved to see how much I enjoyed looking back at myself.
Hair has always been a part of my “look.” I was afraid I might not have been pretty anymore when I decided to cut it, but I was ready to take that chance. Those that know me know I’m certainly more than a pretty face. But many see me and say “you’re beautiful,” and on the outside, I smile and say Thank You gently, but in my head, I say ”I wish you can see more than my beauty.” But now I’m certainly past that thought now. I still love my haircut by the way, and I don’t regret cutting off all that hair.
The amazing perk of cutting my hair has been viewing my life from a new perspective. What I needed to do was go through the pain of growth rather than tiptoe around it. I don’t like the pain, not one bit of it because I find it so hard to explain to others close to me how it feels and they don’t understand. And it made me feel like a complicated math problem that most people dread to solve. But the problem requires a solution, and there’s always a solution. The key is understanding it’s not for others to solve. It’s for me to solve and to share the solution with others to understand so that they can choose to accept me or walk away. And I’m good with that. No hard feelings, no anger, no regrets. This is what life offered me to grow because I wanted to change for myself.
Change offered me an advance on my career recently; small steps have pushed me to forgive myself and the people that hurt me and therapy uncovered the mess I buried only to realize that I’d be totally fine. So when topics about dating, daddy issues, and relationships are brought up again, I can answer them without anxiety and fear. I understand who I’m becoming, and I’ll forever be The Original Good Girl.
To Improve Is To Change. To Be Perfect Is To Change Often.
The Original Good Girl is going through some natural changes. And we’re taking this brief moment to step back and bring something different to the table.
Don’t worry ya girl is stronger, smarter and much healthier than she was 10 months ago when she started this journey!
Can’t wait to bring you something new. Change is always good.
The Original Good Girl
Since I graduated college, I’ve dated four guys. And I don’t regret dating any of them, each one was better than the last but still not the right one for me. I thought I risked it all each time I left each partner; thinking “damn could this be my King.” But I’m glad I took each risk because on the other side of risk has been a lesson of clarity.
At 22, I wanted to be married to the love of my life, a family and a home with a white picket fence (still want the marriage part). And as women we always do that, we expect every single feature of what life and love should look like when we know very little about how to attain those goals. Some of us cheat ourselves from finding true pure love; we continuously create these visions in our mind of how our experience of a picture-perfect life would be if we only had that man or career or lifestyle that puts everything into perspective. But every day our perspective changes and we fail to realize the reality of life. Truth is we aren’t honest enough with ourselves; some of us settle too quickly for what’s given to us, and others create a grand illusion of a fabulous happy ending without pouring more wisdom into ourselves. Just like life has detours, so does love, there are many ups and downs and each one come for a reason; there’s a reason for everything that happens to us. Each emotion, each gut feeling those are signs that some us tend to ignore.
There was a time when I used to date and if I no longer felt the relationship served me any purpose I immediately stopped dating that guy with no hesitation. But what I also knew when I was younger was that after one conversation & one interaction I knew if that guy was the one to be my lifelong partner and no one matched my idea of what I wanted in a husband. I also thought I knew it all at the age of 19, but that’s how we feel as young women.
Recently I realized I’ve been using my head much more than my heart to find love, and it’s because I always felt the need to create a challenge for the guys I dated. And honestly, I’ve grown tired of the problems I created for men to find their way to my heart. My heart is a lot stronger than my head, and I know when someone is not for me. My mood is visibly shown and my energy is intense when I’m not genuinely interested. I cannot force myself to love anyone, nor should any woman or man do so because then a poison of resentment will begin to grow for yourself or worse for your partner. There’s no manual to falling in love with someone it either happens, or it doesn’t. And not to be confused with lust; lust is temporary, love leaves a long lasting impression in your soul.
Love shouldn’t disrespect you; it shouldn’t hurt you mentally, physically or emotionally. It’s a continuous journey of two people that can share each other’s minds at their most vulnerable moments whether they feel weak or strong.
So is being in love a smart move for you or impractical?